What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 06:56
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Put me off passion for life!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why has no country adopted the SA80/L85 rifle?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
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He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
Why does Russia seem so angry over the US and UK missile strikes in Ukraine?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What is the dirtiest thing you have allowed your husband to do?
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
When she asked me how she looked .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
---what are the things which shouldnt be glorified but they are ---
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I said to her
She was in good health!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was 9 years of age.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I don,t even have a pension.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I waited trembling.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But it wasn’t much.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I think the readers, may guess!
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She loved him until the end.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She wouldn,t have been !
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We all went to grammer schools
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Ive learnt so much.
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My family never makes their pension either.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She found it foreign!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I have no regrets .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
All the time i was locked up.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.